Not to get into specifics, but some months ago I was drop kicked in the heart, some people think that someone close to me died, and maybe in a sense they have, but in reality, it’s the closest thing to that feeling, for me. My world was turned upside down in a moment, it derailed me from everything. My students telling their parent’s that Jones has changed and not for the better. Word gets back and it makes you understand the depth of such a strike to the soul.
I stopped breathing. I create, build, design and invent almost every waking moment I have, but this took the will to be creative right out of me, and it needed to be fixed, so I went in for counseling. I was dysfunctional and beginning to take it out on my students at school. So I took the week off as a mental break and tried to sort my head out, the best I could.
Joe is a therapist in Wayne, NJ. We would meet once a week and talk about it all. He would pose interesting, thought evoking questions, which showed me why he was doing what he was as a profession. I needed his wisdom.
As he pointed out, it is your duty to sort out your thought process in order to be a better you, to get back on track and try to get some pep back in your step. Self-defeating thought processes get us nowhere, so I got some cold hard reality brewed up and over the weeks it has been slowly sinking in. I’m not happy about it, I don’t want to be dealing with it, but I am. And soon I need to make a come back to Youtube and the likes. I have been too quiet for too long.
I wish I could be more candid and open about it all, but it would be unfair to others. But let’s just say that if you know me and know what is most important in my world, you’ll know my Achilles heel.
My wife has been my rock through all of this, and I could not be more grateful.
Things need to happen over the coming days. I have a boat to give away, a winner to announce and a series of videos on youtube to finish.
Slowly but surely these will get done too. Meanwhile, I have been actually working like a fiend on my new website here, and this is still not the finished product, but it will get there too. I think I will have it open to all like a site in progress, but one that you can still navigate around as needed. Until now I have had so many other sites, with content all over the place and it needed to be unified in a way that makes sense to me. There is even a membership area I am working on too, that will be a wonderful addition. This will be a Patreon “like” area, where a small amount per month can be pledged and you will receive extras that make sense.
Patreon was like another job all unto itself. With my site, all I need to do I make “DRAFT” posts hidden from the public and open to my supporters. Going you a full 1-3 days heads up on any new content I would release. Also, special pricing for T-shirts etc. as they are designed. This new approach is where Patreon fell short, as I had to create above and beyond content just for Patrons. I had never used Patreon before and I was messing up.
I also need to reach out to a few individuals, old patrons etc to let them know why I’ve been away. I’ve simply not been in a good place to deal with anyone or explaining anything. Today I can truthfully say I am in a better place (even though the situation is not resolved). There is a point at which I cannot step over, so can only go so far (as my therapist states)
I think too many of us feel that therapy is not a good thing, that it is not a manly thing to do. That no one knows me like me. Or I’m not opening up about my emotions with a stranger that's only known me for two minutes. But the truth is, I was broken… My Achilles heel tore, and things had to be dissected a little and put back together. I went to the doctors a couple months back and was there for a reassessment on my meds. The Doctors assistant was taking my info, checking my heart etc when she asked me what was I In for today? The first thing out of my mouth was that I was going through a bit of a crisis and I wanted to talk to the doctor about any medication to help me get through it initially. It was at that point I just broke down in tears. I didn’t care, and just let it go… It as a shock to me when I reacted that way. I didn’t know it was welling up inside, but out it came.
The doctors were useless, period. They told me to go see a counselor, which my wife looked into and found me someone local to talk to. At the end of the day, we are responsible for ourselves alone. It’s up to us to take care of our mental health and stability. Put aside the silliness you might feel about therapy, but for me, it has worked, and I’m grateful. You’ll still fight with your demons, but if you are honest and open with whoever you are talking to, you will at least see just how futile some of your thought processes are.
I have a couple of web jobs I am working on presently, besides mine. One job, the owner is taking her sweet time (which suits me as I’m busy) and the other is for my brother in the UK and his successful business. That Job will be a beast, to say the least. It’s turned from one type of job into most double the work. :/
Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update and a reason why I’ve been away or so damn long. Sorry, it’s been a while… I’ve been getting my heart smashed in